All quiet on the western front...

Things are going...well.

I've been working a lot. Lots of late nights in the lab. Got a megadeadline* coming up in a couple of months, and I think I can make it...if I work my ass off.

Which I have been, and at a rate that I think I can sustain: I'm getting enough sleep and eating well (if repetitively.)**

Plus I've been able to take off and do Fun Things without any guilt at all, since I'm working crazy hours anyway.

It's all been working out quite nicely. Even the news that crucial reagents and data I need are delayed indefinitely have been taken in stride. I'm starting to get suspicious. I'm not supposed to be this well-adjusted. I keep waiting for something to implode.

As well, the lab has summer students coming in that will be working on a project parallel to my own, and I'll be able to use their work to save time on mine. Slight residual guilt about not Doing it Myself, but I think that's probably not reasonable. The only people who are likely to think badly of me are people whose opinions I don't need or care about. And I will continue to be a gracious and conscientious lab citizen. Booyeah.

Now I have to go take care of a few chores so I can spend another week at the lab. Happy Sunday.
 


* The work sucks (boring and repetitive and just difficult enough to be annoying) and it's not really fun to talk about, but making this deadline will be extremely awesome for me. And it's less likely to encounter delay and failure than most experiments (which is why it's boring), so I can predict how long it will take me to finish.

** I think I maybe keep harping on this sleeping/eating thing, but I know it's going to be important for me to stay healthy long term. What I still need to integrate is some form of exercise, and finding a dentist and stuff in BRUtown.

4 months in

At the end of April, I'll have been with my permalab (and a grad student proper, as I see it) for 4 months. I know that's not much (I can hear you senior PhDs/postdocs snickering) but a lot has happened (not all of which I've blogged), and I thought I'd do a rundown:

 - I formed a supervisory committee, eventually managed to get them all in a room, and had my first (successful enough, despite one major and a few minor brainfarts) meeting
- Two lab members left (on good terms) and one made the decision to leave, causing a flurry of gossip and other talk
- One lab member returned from leave and several new arrivals are coming soon
- I took a class and learned a lot
- I wrote two reports and gave 4ish presentations
- I went to a meeting with some labmates and it blew my mind (post to come) and my boss wants me to attend another one in the fall
- I've listened to a bunch of seminars and journal club presentations and talked them over with labmates, and I think I'm getting better at looking at results critically. Got a long way to go though
- I've gone from knowing the names of maybe 2-3 people in the (~sub)field to knowing many of the big and not-so-big names, their affiliations, and what they've published recently. I think. Still lots to learn, though
- Our institute got a very shiny new piece of equipment that's sent several projects in the lab (including mine) into overdrive
- I've made a lot of progress in my research (I think it's enough? I wish I knew) and have plans that should give me results (even just negative ones) by the end of the summer
- I went from being hugely intimidated in my dealings with my boss and senior labmates to being more confident that I do know what I'm doing and what the expectations are. Still a little intimidated, though, although I've stopped being concerned that I've had it too easy
- I've worked harder than I ever have before, but I'm getting enough sleep, mostly eating right, and taking time off to socialize, do some new/fun things, and just relax on my own. Getting more comfortable with the fact that juggling this is always going to be a struggle and I will probably never completely banish the I-should-be-working guilt, but that it's important and I can make it work. Hopefully it will be enough.

And, most importantly, I've been pretty happy. Bring on summer!

Incoherent rambling on time management, etc

Not much to say. Again.

Working hard (sort of? see below) Progress is slow to nonexistent. Scattered thoughts below:

I think I read too much (science-wise). None of my fellow students read anything other than the strict requirements for their projects/classes/journal club. But I don't know anything: how else will I learn? On the other hand, I worry that I use reading as a way to procrastinate when I don't want to do any real work. And I have no idea how much of it sticks. I don't take a huge amount of notes (sometimes I do) Maybe I should?

Like anything else, I guess the solution is to set aside a time and stick to that...

Relatedly, I think I need to be more disciplined with managing my time in general. I can't just work all the time and hope that that's enough, because then my life (apartment) falls apart. And I still don't get any research done. But scheduling everything doesn't work either, because I'm terrible at estimating how long things take. There's a sweet spot of discipline+flexibility that I still haven't nailed.

I also have been making a point of not turning down social events without a really good reason. This was a rule I made a couple of years ago, because I'm pretty shy and I would stay at home a lot because of that. But that (the shyness) seems to be changing (I'd like to think through my own efforts), and I have a larger circle of acquaintances (through work if nothing else). Wonder if I should re-evaluate the rule. Or at least prioritize: like if I'm going out to dinner with people I haven't seen in a while, I should skip coffee + gossip with labmates.

This all seems very obvious. Maybe I'm an idiot for not cluing in sooner, but I guess I thought I was doing ok?

It's difficult to get (objective) feedback about how I'm doing, progress-wise. I just don't know. I guess it doesn't really matter how I'm doing in comparison to your Average Graduate Student, just whether I'm in line with my own goals. Again, obvious.

---

I find it hard not to question (in my head) senior students who complain that their advisor is crazy/won't listen to them/is proposing totally the wrong experiments. I mean, I don't know any better, but maybe there's a reason for it?

I guess it all comes down to communication. But I'm bad at communicating. And being organized. And taking criticism.

I need to figure out how to fix all these things. They're important, dammit.

Well, ok. The communication thing will fix itself. I have enough opportunities to speak/write/etc. Just need to make sure I pay attention to those and try and do a good job. So that's that.

---

I haven't been sleeping or eating well. Let alone exercising. Maybe now that the weather's nice I'll try and take up running again? That never worked before, I always got bored. I wish there was a shower at my building, I could run in to work--I think the distance would be about right

On second thought, that wouldn't really work since I bring my laptop to/from every day. Hmm.

Time, time, time. It's all about time. I need to get on top of my time..

First thing's first: GTFOff the internet and do the stuff I need to do tonight. And less navel gazing.

I guess I did have a lot to say. Cookies to anyone who made it this far. I told you I was bad at blogging. I really should just keep a diary.

Plays nice with others

In my continual quest for self-improvement (since my science ain't working) I have decided that this week's lesson is:

In grad school, if you're not miserable 100% of the time, something must be wrong with you, and it's just a matter of time before you get screwed over.

I'm all seriousness, it's been a rough week. Some shakeups in the lab means that all the latent frustrations people have have come tumbling out. I guess the only surprise to me is the number of people who are unhappy here. I've heard a lot of people expressing regrets about going to grad school, or choosing to do a phd rather than a masters degree. I've also heard that I'm fantastically and probably terminally naive for a) being interested in the science behind what I'm doing, and b) not looking to fight the faculty tooth and nail at all times.

Doing my best to keep my head down and concentrate on work. Which...isn't working. Fuck.

I was happy, dammit.

Working on Saturdays: a Completely Objective Analysis

Pro: The subway is so empty! I even got a seat!

Con: My bed is more comfortable than the subway seat. True story.

Pro: Ahhhh, peace and quiet. Just me and the pipette. And it's nice and sunny here. And I brought delicious soup for lunch.

Con: No one to eat lunch with. Can't eat at desk since desk is located in lab. Ate lunch while making a todo list to juggle the various experiments I want to do this week.

Pro: Wow, looks like I'll have lots to do this week. Great! I like being busy. And look at how much I'll have accomplished by Friday!

Con: Wait, this whole plan depends on Simple Experiment Gamma working out. Better go check on that...

Pro: Never have to wait to use equipment.

Con: It's that much quicker to find out that Simple Experiment Gamma didn't work. Crap.

Pro: Awesome labmate who helps me troubleshoot Gamma, and will be coming in tomorrow as well and will do a task for me so I don't need to come in.

Con: Awesome labmate also tells a story about student they knew who could never get Gamma, and Gamma-like things, and really anything at all to work, and who ended up switching fields. Nooooooooooooo...crap.

Pro: Well, I still have a few things I can try re: Gamma.

Con: But I'm fairly certain all of this could have waited until Monday.

tl,dr: I went in to the lab on saturday and my shit didn't work, so I came home and wrote a whiny blog post about it.

The Grad Student's Creed, Part 1

Fig 1. Creed. No, not that one! Man, the graphics department here sucks.

1. I will not be a smartass towards my PI, even when s/he is oblivious.*

2. I will not get into arguments with my fellow students over technicalities of technique.

3. I will not gossip about others in the department, even if it's toooootally scandalous!

4. I will write.

5. I will write.

6. I will write.

7. I will not procrastinate on sending emails.

8. I will ask for help.

(to be continued...)

* Not admitting anything (...yet), but I need the reinforcement.

Lesson learned

Every time I go home for a holiday I feel more disconnected from the rest of my family members. I guess this is what they call "growing up"