And now for your regularly scheduled bout of insecurity...

See post title.

Criticism from the boss (on the 'you have no idea what you're doing, if you want to be a successful grad student you're going to have to make major changes' scale)

+

helpful labmate being told not to spend so much time helping me any more (the last thing I want is to slow anyone else down!!!)

+

experiments not working

=

me feeling pretty shitty.

Then I started feeling bad that I was moping over this, and worrying that if I have such a thin skin I'll never survive grad school.

So of course in response I'm avoiding working on the stuff I should be doing, and overeating. Which I know is dumb and stupid because it doesn't hurt anyone except myself. eff.

I'll get over it. Fun stuff happening tomorrow+this week that I can't blog about, but will get me away from the lab a bit and hopefully excited again.

But holy crap I'm a headcase right now. So let me broadcast it to the entire Internet.

Edit: never mind. I'm ok now. Thought my way out of it: instead of seeing 'knowing how to take criticism' as a prerequisite for not sucking, I'm acknowledging it as something I don't yet have but can learn. Take that, psyche.

Milestone acheived. Ten thousand points!

So...I had my first committee meeting.

It went well. I made one major mistake in completely forgetting to talk about an important aspect. I just...forgot? No idea, got to the end of my talk and thought "oh my god! I didn't talk about that at all! Well, someone is bound to ask me about it"...and then they didn't. Oops. And told me that next time I should probably cover it. Yup, sounds about right.

I stumbled a bit on the questions (can't do mental math. At all.) but most of the things they wanted to know, I had ready answers for. It definitely didn't feel like "they will keep asking questions until you don't know the answer," which is what I was prepared for (and dreading).

And it was fast! Over in 45-50 minutes, I think. I guess partly that's due to the whole first-one-don't-really-have-much-data-yet shortness of my presentation, but one of my committee members even commented on how quickly it went.

However.

As much as I'm pleased I didn't fuck it up, I can't help but regret spending so much time (a week, basically) prepping for the meeting and related requirements, and basically stressing like crazy over this.

And I worry a little that not having weathered the difficult questions now will hurt me later on--like during quals, when it really matters. And my committee members are sympathetic to the project. What happens when I meet someone who isn't? It's enough to make me want to ask them to turn it up a notch. I'll wait and see. Everyone says the second meeting is the hardest, anyway.

On the plus side, instead of feeling drained and miserable about my shortcomings, I'm energized and ready to generate some data! Wooo! Yeahhhhhhhh! *fist pump*

Doing it right

My lab can get cowboyish at times--partly as a result of the kinds of experiments going on, partly the culture of the group. Maybe not the best environment for a total n00b like me to be learning the ropes (I'm sure I'm picking up all sorts of bad habits.)

Fig 1. LM's lab commutes in style. I'm the one in the white, near the back. No really.

That's why I'm thankful for labmates who take the time to explain the proper way to do things. Hopefully I can find a way to thank them.

Plays nice with others

In my continual quest for self-improvement (since my science ain't working) I have decided that this week's lesson is:

In grad school, if you're not miserable 100% of the time, something must be wrong with you, and it's just a matter of time before you get screwed over.

I'm all seriousness, it's been a rough week. Some shakeups in the lab means that all the latent frustrations people have have come tumbling out. I guess the only surprise to me is the number of people who are unhappy here. I've heard a lot of people expressing regrets about going to grad school, or choosing to do a phd rather than a masters degree. I've also heard that I'm fantastically and probably terminally naive for a) being interested in the science behind what I'm doing, and b) not looking to fight the faculty tooth and nail at all times.

Doing my best to keep my head down and concentrate on work. Which...isn't working. Fuck.

I was happy, dammit.

Working on Saturdays: a Completely Objective Analysis

Pro: The subway is so empty! I even got a seat!

Con: My bed is more comfortable than the subway seat. True story.

Pro: Ahhhh, peace and quiet. Just me and the pipette. And it's nice and sunny here. And I brought delicious soup for lunch.

Con: No one to eat lunch with. Can't eat at desk since desk is located in lab. Ate lunch while making a todo list to juggle the various experiments I want to do this week.

Pro: Wow, looks like I'll have lots to do this week. Great! I like being busy. And look at how much I'll have accomplished by Friday!

Con: Wait, this whole plan depends on Simple Experiment Gamma working out. Better go check on that...

Pro: Never have to wait to use equipment.

Con: It's that much quicker to find out that Simple Experiment Gamma didn't work. Crap.

Pro: Awesome labmate who helps me troubleshoot Gamma, and will be coming in tomorrow as well and will do a task for me so I don't need to come in.

Con: Awesome labmate also tells a story about student they knew who could never get Gamma, and Gamma-like things, and really anything at all to work, and who ended up switching fields. Nooooooooooooo...crap.

Pro: Well, I still have a few things I can try re: Gamma.

Con: But I'm fairly certain all of this could have waited until Monday.

tl,dr: I went in to the lab on saturday and my shit didn't work, so I came home and wrote a whiny blog post about it.

Branded

Fig. 1: My science is totally Xtreem. (Found by Google image searching "science logo")

Is a lab a brand? Should it be?

This was inspired partly by a post by Prof-like substance on what new TT faculty face, and partly by a conversation I had with a grad student friend the other night. My friend's lab is new (<1 year) and the PI is of the opinion that part of making a name for himself and his research involves developing a "brand identity" for the lab, which seems to consist of a) a logo, and b) ....uhhhh, a slide template?

I know some labs have these things and it can be kind of cute if it's well done (and painful if it isn't) However, I'm skeptical that it has any real impact on people's view of the PI/lab/the research. Plus, this kind of thing takes a lot of time, and while we all have our talents, being able to work Illustrator doesn't make you a (good) designer.

My friend's argument seems to be that just having a good research program isn't enough to rise above the crowd, and you have to sell your science. Which I agree with. Where we differ is in the best way to do that--I maintain that it's just good old fashioned conferences, seminars and networking that takes care of the "selling the science". So I guess it's the PI who is the brand? Not visually of course (not sure my boss' head would make very good letterhead), but their name is important. I just don't think putting a lot of effort into this kind of thing is necessary or even has any impact at all. But I could be wrong.

My lab has a bare bones, totally functional (= up to date) website, but no logo or other distinguishing characteristic, but I have been part of labs that do have logos and color schemes. I don't think this is common though.

So, should a lab be/have a brand?

Footsteps

I'm really starting to feel like I'm following in another student's footsteps. And I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not.

It's not like we're working on the same project. And we didn't come in to the lab from the same direction or background. But we have vaguely similar skillsets, at least in the vector space defined by the skills of students in our field. (Does that make sense? Because if it does I have a feeling it's an awesome analogy. Or just really nerdy. I'm sorry, it must be the viruses talking)

The other student (let's call her Alex) is nearly done her PhD and has been free with advice on all aspects of the lab/department/student experience. And science, that too. We get along socially and people have commented that apparently I'm the replacement Alex, or that the PI must have hired me to fill the void when she graduates.

Alex has also given me some older proposals and written work from years ago (partly as an example of what not to do...) But reading the stuff over gave me a rather creepy sense of deja vu. Switch a few keywords and we could be talking about the same projects. We're starting out taking the same approaches, and are at approximately the same point in our experiments (aha! So my progress is not as glacial as I had feared...)

In some ways this is kind of nice. It lessens the "I have no idea what's expected of me or how to proceed with this" feeling, and it's like I have a ready-made fit into the lab. But that's a bad thing as well: I don't want to just fill someone's place. I don't people will really make that connection though--we're not all that alike, personality wise, and we work on different things. So that's ok.

The only other problem is...one of Alex's initial projects failed pretty spectacularly. She went through a real low point in her research early on before things started to work. And right now, after I've had One of Those Weeks where nothing is working, I can't help but worry that that's what I'm headed for too.